Syndactyl Salutations

Thoughts on writing, knitting, and the world around me.

Tuesday, May 11, 2004

Long Strange Lapse

I checked the other day and realized that it had been nearly two months since I'd posted anything here. I've thought about it, but my life has gone strangely out of control and I've basically stopped writing. This is an unfortunate condition, since I am going to a conference in three days.

The reason for my absence can be chalked up to more freaky family stuff. But it's freaky family stuff gone completely awry and horribly wrong. I don't want know what to say to whoever may actually read this, if anyone does. My parents no longer have grandchildren, I no longer have my sweet baby neffs, and my world and that of my family will never ever be the same.

I no longer have my great-grandmother either, but the details and circumstances are much easier to deal with. Mildred Lewis turned 97 in February and lived on her own in her own home until the last week of her life. She died at 4 am on Mother's Day. She was ready to go and had faith that she'd meet up with my great-grandfather when she did. We were fortunate to have her for as long as we did, and her passing is bittersweet; sadness at her passing, but relief that she went quickly and quietly after twenty years of waiting.

I have my afghan from her that I have kept track of since I was young, and there are photos of five generations in a couple of different configurations.

Goodbye and godspeed grandma, I love you and will miss you always. You will remain in my thoughts.

I have cried very little in the past few surreal weeks, but I feel as though I am always on the edge of a weeping fit. I still stand by the statement that ever since my divorce nearly seven years ago, I can cry about stupid things in books and movies, but I have some frozen or welded place inside that keeps me from letting go about the important things. I don't like that about myself, not that I want to be a weepy mess, but I'd like to know that I am able to adequately express the emotions that I am feeling.

I think I'll leave it at that and save the more mundane things for another time.


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