"Shall we have a look?"

Today is my nephew's birthday. He should have turned three, there should have been a birthday party. Those things didn't happen. I left work before noon because I couldn't deal with being there anymore, I couldn't concentrate on anything. I went to the cemetery instead.

The day was still overcast and the grass at the gravesite was still wet from the morning's fog. I hadn't been to the gravesite since the funeral, so it was the first time I'd seen the simple marker--just his name and the years he was born and died (2001 - 2004). The potted plant from the funeral with the Sesame Street bandaids decorating the terra cotta pot was still there, along with a newly placed Arthur the Aardvark juice box. I talked to him for a few minutes, cried a little, and hoped there really was a way that my grandmother would be looking out for him wherever they may be.

He was such a bright happy little boy and I miss him terribly. I knew I would have a hard time today, but it's worse than I thought it would be. I keep telling myself to remember the good times, and I do, but I can't help also thinking about the fact that there won't be any more of them.

I'm sorry this is so morose and inarticulate, I just had to put it up somewhere.