Status: Undecided

Time to get the fear rant off the top of the blog. Should have done weeks ago.

Not sure where I am with all of it, to be honest. I am in the process of sorting through my closet, which mainly means that my room is in an even greater state of chaos than usual. I am trying to get rid of things that no longer serve any purpose (whatever purpose that may be).

• Clothing that doesn't fit or flatter, in a bag to go out.
• Short pieces of ugly acrylic yarn from an odd Goodwill purchase, in the trash (horrors, throwing yarn away!).
• Shoes I literally walked holes through, thrown out and replaced (nine years of wear, good run).

And, yet, I can't throw out tiny scraps of fabric from a small quilt I made five years ago (??). I am a work in progress.

Decided not to go to MD Sheep & Wool this year, because I could only have gone tomorrow, and have decided to go to the Fairie Festival instead. I've never gone, but have wanted to for as long as I've known about it. It may rain, there may be mud, but it should be interesting.

I'm having fun with Twitter and have cooled a bit with Facebook, which makes me feel like high school all over again. I see and hear what everyone else is doing, without me. Not the end of the world, and on some level I don't really care, but still sort of discomfiting.

I'm writing letters (albeit very slowly) and enjoying my rediscovery of fountain pen love.

I'm still working on my Flower Basket Shawl and mostly enjoying it, and have, in the meantime, finished two shop samples.

I'm trying to do some writing besides letters and tweets, but am finding myself very easily distracted.

Okay, randomness done, sorry for the incoherence.

Open Letter to Fear

Dear Paralyzing Fear of Failure:

I need to ask you to ease off a bit. I know that you may be trying to protect me (though it may be that you are simply out to get me.), but this grip you have me in is a real problem. I am so tired of being afraid to do anything that could possibly make me feel even a little foolish, or that would cause someone to say “no” to me.

People fail at things all of the time. It’s okay, and generally not the end of the world. Getting a few rejection letters as a result of actually sending queries out to editors will not kill me. And, honestly, the more queries I send out, the more likely someone is to actually say “yes” instead. Right now, by sending out none, I have no chance of a positive response, which doesn’t seem like a very good ration to me.

Of course, writing isn’t the only thing I worry about screwing up. You also don’t want me to call friends to hang out, because you want to shield me from the fact that they might have something going on at the moment I call. It’s really okay. I’m a big girl. There are ways around it, other arrangements can be made, other time can be spent. And if someone would consistently say “no,” then maybe I don’t need to be friends with them after all.

I just bought a sewing book and I want to make a skirt, or at least some napkins, but we haven’t dragged the fabric out of the closet because there’s the chance I won’t be able to sew a straight seam.

The closet hasn’t been gone through, because if I get rid of too many things I’ll have to replace some of them with different things and I won’t know how to dress myself.

The package needs to be sent to M, but the inscription hasn’t been written for fear of writing something stupid or making a wrong penstroke, oh, and for fear that my package won’t measure up to the one she will be sending me.

This is so ridiculous, especially since I could probably go on like this for an hour if I let myself, but that just seems as though it would belabor the point.

I’m tired of being afraid of doing any and everything. I’d much rather have a few spectacularly Technicolor goof-ups than to continue doing nothing because it’s safe. Because, really, doing nothing isn’t safe either. Doing nothing makes me anxious. It makes me sleep until noon and not leave the house. It makes me feel and act like a mouse, not cook, eat fattening food, or not eat at all because I don’t want to mess up the kitchen. It makes me wait to do dishes until no one else is home so that Mark and Chip won’t comment on how I might do them better (not that they’d even DO that sort of thing!).

So, what can I do to change this? Do I need to try to just charge ahead and ignore you, batter against you and hope that I am stronger than you all of the sudden? Do I need to tell someone I’m going to do something so that I have accountability to an actual, living, human being, rather than some weird piece of my psyche that’s way too good at intimidating me?

Please, let me know what I should do, because I’m really at the end of my rope and am tired of being tired and anxious and terrified of anything that stretches me in the least little bit beyond the very narrow confines I’ve shoved my life into over the past few years.

I know other people who have made enormous, colossal mistakes, ones that I can’t even begin to imagine being able to make, and they’re still out there living, interacting, putting themselves out there and making things happen. I want that. No, I need that.

Please let me live, give me a break. I can take some risks without endangering myself, I promise.

Love,

Faith.

What Am I Waiting For?

I have less than 20 rows to go before finishing my February Lady Sweater, and somehow I can't get myself to sit down and make it happen. I'm pretty sure I'm worried about the what-ifs: what if it doesn't block the way I hope it will; what if it doesn't fit the way I want it to; what if it just looks bad on me; and on and on. Dumb, I know, but I just can't help it.

Daylight savings day is usually a slow one for me, and this was no exception. I did some reading, sorted laundry to be done tomorrow, bought a journal for a swap I'm doing on Ravelry, but mostly had a low key kind of day. Except that I drank too much coffee early this afternoon, so now I don't know when I'm going to be able to fall asleep. I should probably just go back to not drinking it.

I'll do some writing this evening and try to sift through a little bit of my stuff, as usual. I have assignments for two new articles, so tomorrow I'll begin contacting the subjects and setting up meeting times. I'm getting much more comfortable with this process, and that makes me happy.

I got a pen pal letter this week that I need to answer soon, but I want to read it again and set aside some time to write a thoughtful reply. I love exchanging real letters, but I do tend to do it sort of slowly. Luckily, I have understanding people on the other end.

Tomorrow may be the day to see the Kitchen Kettle Village location of Lancaster Yarn Shop. I'm definitely looking forward to seeing the new space.

Thanks for the comments and suggestions about Twitter, I may give it a try soon. I hope everyone had a nice weekend. Be well.