Status: Undecided

Time to get the fear rant off the top of the blog. Should have done weeks ago.

Not sure where I am with all of it, to be honest. I am in the process of sorting through my closet, which mainly means that my room is in an even greater state of chaos than usual. I am trying to get rid of things that no longer serve any purpose (whatever purpose that may be).

• Clothing that doesn't fit or flatter, in a bag to go out.
• Short pieces of ugly acrylic yarn from an odd Goodwill purchase, in the trash (horrors, throwing yarn away!).
• Shoes I literally walked holes through, thrown out and replaced (nine years of wear, good run).

And, yet, I can't throw out tiny scraps of fabric from a small quilt I made five years ago (??). I am a work in progress.

Decided not to go to MD Sheep & Wool this year, because I could only have gone tomorrow, and have decided to go to the Fairie Festival instead. I've never gone, but have wanted to for as long as I've known about it. It may rain, there may be mud, but it should be interesting.

I'm having fun with Twitter and have cooled a bit with Facebook, which makes me feel like high school all over again. I see and hear what everyone else is doing, without me. Not the end of the world, and on some level I don't really care, but still sort of discomfiting.

I'm writing letters (albeit very slowly) and enjoying my rediscovery of fountain pen love.

I'm still working on my Flower Basket Shawl and mostly enjoying it, and have, in the meantime, finished two shop samples.

I'm trying to do some writing besides letters and tweets, but am finding myself very easily distracted.

Okay, randomness done, sorry for the incoherence.

Open Letter to Fear

Dear Paralyzing Fear of Failure:

I need to ask you to ease off a bit. I know that you may be trying to protect me (though it may be that you are simply out to get me.), but this grip you have me in is a real problem. I am so tired of being afraid to do anything that could possibly make me feel even a little foolish, or that would cause someone to say “no” to me.

People fail at things all of the time. It’s okay, and generally not the end of the world. Getting a few rejection letters as a result of actually sending queries out to editors will not kill me. And, honestly, the more queries I send out, the more likely someone is to actually say “yes” instead. Right now, by sending out none, I have no chance of a positive response, which doesn’t seem like a very good ration to me.

Of course, writing isn’t the only thing I worry about screwing up. You also don’t want me to call friends to hang out, because you want to shield me from the fact that they might have something going on at the moment I call. It’s really okay. I’m a big girl. There are ways around it, other arrangements can be made, other time can be spent. And if someone would consistently say “no,” then maybe I don’t need to be friends with them after all.

I just bought a sewing book and I want to make a skirt, or at least some napkins, but we haven’t dragged the fabric out of the closet because there’s the chance I won’t be able to sew a straight seam.

The closet hasn’t been gone through, because if I get rid of too many things I’ll have to replace some of them with different things and I won’t know how to dress myself.

The package needs to be sent to M, but the inscription hasn’t been written for fear of writing something stupid or making a wrong penstroke, oh, and for fear that my package won’t measure up to the one she will be sending me.

This is so ridiculous, especially since I could probably go on like this for an hour if I let myself, but that just seems as though it would belabor the point.

I’m tired of being afraid of doing any and everything. I’d much rather have a few spectacularly Technicolor goof-ups than to continue doing nothing because it’s safe. Because, really, doing nothing isn’t safe either. Doing nothing makes me anxious. It makes me sleep until noon and not leave the house. It makes me feel and act like a mouse, not cook, eat fattening food, or not eat at all because I don’t want to mess up the kitchen. It makes me wait to do dishes until no one else is home so that Mark and Chip won’t comment on how I might do them better (not that they’d even DO that sort of thing!).

So, what can I do to change this? Do I need to try to just charge ahead and ignore you, batter against you and hope that I am stronger than you all of the sudden? Do I need to tell someone I’m going to do something so that I have accountability to an actual, living, human being, rather than some weird piece of my psyche that’s way too good at intimidating me?

Please, let me know what I should do, because I’m really at the end of my rope and am tired of being tired and anxious and terrified of anything that stretches me in the least little bit beyond the very narrow confines I’ve shoved my life into over the past few years.

I know other people who have made enormous, colossal mistakes, ones that I can’t even begin to imagine being able to make, and they’re still out there living, interacting, putting themselves out there and making things happen. I want that. No, I need that.

Please let me live, give me a break. I can take some risks without endangering myself, I promise.

Love,

Faith.

What Am I Waiting For?

I have less than 20 rows to go before finishing my February Lady Sweater, and somehow I can't get myself to sit down and make it happen. I'm pretty sure I'm worried about the what-ifs: what if it doesn't block the way I hope it will; what if it doesn't fit the way I want it to; what if it just looks bad on me; and on and on. Dumb, I know, but I just can't help it.

Daylight savings day is usually a slow one for me, and this was no exception. I did some reading, sorted laundry to be done tomorrow, bought a journal for a swap I'm doing on Ravelry, but mostly had a low key kind of day. Except that I drank too much coffee early this afternoon, so now I don't know when I'm going to be able to fall asleep. I should probably just go back to not drinking it.

I'll do some writing this evening and try to sift through a little bit of my stuff, as usual. I have assignments for two new articles, so tomorrow I'll begin contacting the subjects and setting up meeting times. I'm getting much more comfortable with this process, and that makes me happy.

I got a pen pal letter this week that I need to answer soon, but I want to read it again and set aside some time to write a thoughtful reply. I love exchanging real letters, but I do tend to do it sort of slowly. Luckily, I have understanding people on the other end.

Tomorrow may be the day to see the Kitchen Kettle Village location of Lancaster Yarn Shop. I'm definitely looking forward to seeing the new space.

Thanks for the comments and suggestions about Twitter, I may give it a try soon. I hope everyone had a nice weekend. Be well.

Snow Day!

Er, except for the fact that I didn't actually have to leave the house to work. But snow it did. We got several inches and I decided to just stay home all day. Lancaster Yarn Shop's new location's opening was postponed until tomorrow, so I didn't have to feel guilty about missing it.

I did my proofreading project, which was a small one, and the client stopped by this afternoon and got it while I was shoveling piles of light, fluffy snow off of the steps and sidewalk in front of the house. I knew she was coming, since I wasn't planning to go downtown until tomorrow (which originally she'd been fine with), and had decided to take advantage of the waiting time to get the snow moved. My only concern about my shoveling is the possibility of a super-thin scrim of ice forming on the steps and walk in the sub-freezing cold we're supposed to have overnight. I'll have to look carefully at the steps, and put more salt down, when I leave to run my errands tomorrow. I'm trying to avoid falling again, if possible.

I am planning to do some writing later this evening, but probably won't get started on editing a long-neglected manuscript, yet again. I printed the whole thing out a couple of weeks ago and put it in a portfolio with a blank spiral notebook, but that's as far as I've gotten. I look at it every day (it's sticking out of my document file at an angle), but haven't opened it. I'm pretty sure I'm afraid it's going to be a huge, un-fixable mess that will represent years of wasted creative energy. Sad, I know, especially since it's probably not entirely true. There will probably be plenty that needs chucking, but some that will make sense and be at least workable. I came across a couple of days worth of Nano 2008-that-was-not (one of these years I WILL complete it again!) yesterday when I was uploading stuff from my Neo to clear it for super-mobile typing opportunities that actually wasn't half bad, so maybe there is hope for the other, if I can just convince myself to sit down and start reading, and eventually start retyping.

My editor sent me the early issue of the magazine I write for, with one of my articles in it. She assigns them in clusters, but they don't always end up running in the issue immediately following the assignment. It's validating to actually see work there, with my name attached, but I know I need to do more, to get beyond one proofreading client and one writing client. At this point I'm clearly still swimming in the shallow, hobbyist pool, and haven't figured out how to propel myself to the deep end with the pros.

The lack of momentum/overabundance of fear regarding my writing/editing aspirations explains why I have spent the past week reading the blog archives of Havi Brooks at The Fluent Self (link originally found at Enchanting Juno). She talks a lot about figuring out what is keeping you from doing the thing you know you should be doing, getting past fear, getting yourself out there in ways that feel right and not pushy or obnoxious. She offers workshops and classes and consulting services, but right now I don't feel like I can afford to pay for any of it, so I'm starting of by reading her blog from start to present, as well as what some of her commenters have to say, just to give myself something to think about, and perhaps a better starting point from which to proceed. I don't read entire blog archives for every blog I stumble upon, but I am getting a lot out of this one.

Other than doing business reading, completing a short job, and shoveling snow, it was a pretty low-key day. I started a swatch with a mystery orange tweedy yarn that could become a vest (and about five other things, there's a fair amount of it) if I can get anything close to gauge and if it softens up considerably in the washing. I'm usually not so diligent with the swatching, but there was no way of avoiding it with this yarn.

Enough, have a good evening.

Beginning to Relax

Though, by saying that, I probably just blew it. Regardless, yes my stress level seems to be evening out, and though I still feel like I'm either not sleeping enough or sleeping way too much (sometimes in the same night!), equilibrium seems to be returning and I am so glad.

Since my last post about my work situation, I confirmed that I will, in fact, be working four days a week at the original, Gallery Row,Lancaster Yarn Shop. I had to specify the location, because tomorrow our (well, Wendy's, really) second location at Kitchen Kettle Village in Intercourse will be opening! Although I will not be working at that store, I do plan to stop by tomorrow to wish Wendy well and check out the new digs. I have high hopes for the future of both shops, which will likely fill slightly different needs based on location and clientele. If you are local or are going to be, please stop by and say "Hi." Or any other greeting you'd like to exchange, as long as it's pleasant.

I've worked in, and not especially enjoyed, retail before, but this is different. It's working with products I use and am excited about, and I get to help people one-on-one (beyond just ringing up sales or finding the right size of x or y) and meet lots of interesting knitters who live in my community! What's not to love? So, there's that.

I also find that I am writing more, daily, even. Most of it is definitely first-draft work that may well stay that way, but the point is that it is returning and I managed to clear off a spot on my desk so that I can sit and get something done like an adult. Also, I was in touch with the editor I've been writing for the other day, and it looks like some assignments may be forthcoming. Also, I have a proofreading project to do tomorrow.

It may not seem like a lot, and there are definitely things I still need to figure out: still way too much clutter, still worried about a sick friend, still trying to find balance, not to mention making a decision to use "still" a whole lot less.

As for knitting, FLS has a completed body and part of a right sleeve. I'm counting on it growing in the blocking, and if washing Coronet was any indication, it will.

Here's a question, anyone use Twitter, and if so, should I? I succumbed to Facebook, but don't know if I need yet another social networking thingy grabbing my time and attention. Thanks for your input.

Enough with the rambling, have a good week!

Tired of February

I told a friend today that I was tired of February specifically and winter in general.

I'm mostly tired of being cold all of the time, of having to bundle up every time I want to go anywhere, and of the gas bill reflecting the struggle to stay warm. Yes, as a knitter, I can appreciate cooler weather for the wool wearing and working comfort, but enough is enough!

Spring fever is obviously setting in, because yesterday I was pretending to plan a trip I can in no way afford, and today I took four books out of the library and three were volumes of travel essays. None of the four was the book for the Pen Fetish Crafters (on Ravelry, of course) read-along; I got the call this afternoon that they had received it, so I'll probably pick it up tomorrow or Thursday.

I am at a crossroads once again, of course (my life must take place on some level in what I imagine a souq to be like, where intersections are close and frequent and there are new distractions at every turn). My fill-in time at my old job appears to be done (though I need to confirm that) and I'm still not sure what is happening in LYS land, other than the fact that I'm working Friday and Saturday, and most likely at least part of next Friday for First Friday.

I'd still like to find some way to be able to work for myself, but I have a hard time putting myself out there. If someone gives me a project or assignment, I'm great; I'll do it diligently and thoroughly and get it in when you need it. The problem comes with the going out and seeking new clients or assignments, or sending query letters to pitch ideas. I worry that I won't cut it, so I just don't do it in the first place. This is not a recipe for freelance success, or success of any other type, for that matter.

I'll give it this week and maybe next to find out if my current options will work out long-term, then I may have to call the temp agency and see if they have anything to put me into so that I can be sure to have food, clothing, and shelter for the foreseeable future.

On a brighter note, I'm nearly finished with the body of the February Lady Sweater, and am happy with the way it's knitting up in the Lamb's Pride.

There are other things I thought about adding, but I think this has been enough random for one evening.

Fourth Annual St. Brigid's Silent Poetry Reading

It's time again for the St. Brigid's Day Silent Poetry Reading, so here is my offering, a timely piece by Jane Kenyon:

February: Thinking of Flowers


Now wind torments the field,
turning the white surface back
on itself, back and back on itself,
like an animal licking a wound.

Nothing but white -- the air, the light;
only on brown milkweed pod
bobbing in the gully, smallest
brown boat on the immense tide.

A single green sprouting thing
would restore me....

Then think of the tall delphinium,
swaying, or the bee when it comes
to the tongue of the burgundy lily.

The Coming Year

I didn't make any resolutions this year, because, inevitably, I don't keep them, then beat myself up about it. A couple of weeks ago I sort of determined large categories I wanted to examine or work on in 2009: meditation, writing, yoga, and my stuff (mostly physical, but also emotional). They are areas I want to strengthen or revisit because working with each of them has the potential for positive changes in my life. I'm not going to get into details at the moment, and it's not to say that these are the only things I'll do.

I'll certainly keep knitting (I just picked up the Jaywalker I started on the way home from the west coast in April, and have the February Lady sweater and a multidirectinal diagonal scarf on the needles and yarn for Coronet -- sorry, no links tonight) and I need to figure out my work life all over again (I've been playing catch-as-catch-can for three-and-a-half years and I need to figure out if I want to continue that or decide on something concrete. Work at the LYS was great, and I'll still do a few fill-in days here and there, but I knew from the start that it'd probably be short-term.), but mostly I need to figure out who I am and what I want my life to look like.

Let's forget for the moment that I will be thirty-nine years old this summer and that it's probably a little late to be examining this question. I spent parts of today in two different cafes on my own, which was my intention all along. In both of them, I saw and briefly chatted with people I knew, but I also saw people meeting for breakfast or lunch or coffee. This is not something I often do, and on my way home I realized that I wished it was. This is not some "poor me" complaint, because my lack of connection to others is purely of my own doing.

I can be social, but I'm not one for large groups (which is partly why I've sat out two parties in the last three days). I like getting together one-on-one or with a few people at a time, but I have trouble getting up the nerve to contact friends or acquaintances to get together for lunch or coffee or whatever. As a result of the above factors (I hope) I've fallen off of most social calendars, so I rarely get contacted by anyone else either. So here's the question: How do I change this without looking needy or desperate or completely awkward?

By the way, the jury's still out about whether I'm keeping this, but since I'm thinking about it, I may as well use it.

I hope the new year is treating you well so far. Peace.

Happy New Year 2009

I hope this year brings each of you what you want or need, whatever that may be.

I have been thinking about this space lately, and whether I want to keep it, since I have gotten so out of the habit of posting. The choices, I suppose, are either to keep it and begin posting with some regularity again, or to take it down and move away from blogging altogether. I won't make the decision right away, but will be considering my options.

May you all be happy, may you all find peace.

Reflection

I've had a lot on my mind lately, some of it has to do with large, overarching issues, some is smaller, more personal stuff. I go around and around it all, never getting anywhere useful, sort of like a dog chasing its tail.

I know it's really late for post-election analysis, but that's one of the things banging around in the corners of my brain. I voted for Obama, and I'm glad I did, but I did it with my eyes open, and I'm pretty sure that things are not going to change drastically because he was voted in. I'd like to believe that things during the next four years can't be as bad as they have been for the past eight, but I don't know that one man in a broken two-party system can effect that much positive change. I can only hope that putting him in rather than McCain/Palin may forestall further erosion of social policy and may finally bring us closer to the end of this sham of a war our government has insisted on waging in the name of oil (though, of course, they would rather call it national security).

I worry about us as a people, and me as an individual. On balance, I don't own tons of things, but I look around my room and see clutter that puts me in a state of paralysis when it comes to actually doing anything about it. I don't want tons of stuff, I don't use most of it, I certainly don't need most of it, but I can't bring myself to get rid of it. There are things given to me by other people, things that may prove useful down the road, things that make me sentimental for obscure or not-so-obscure reasons. There is, of course, my stash of knitting-related tools, materials, and information, which, although not large, is probably more than I can reasonably go through any time soon. I could probably get someone more organized and dispassionate than myself to go through things with me, but I'm not sure I want to give up control of those decisions. I acknowledge that this is a personal failing which extends to areas beyond my untidy accumulation of personal belongings.

So, the question is, what do I do about all of it, the big and the small, far-reaching and individual? How do I let go of emotional and physical excess in a way that is healthy and satisfying, and by doing so, will I sleep better at night and wake up rested and energized for a change?

Return of Intermittent Blogger

Yes, I am slinking back into view. The problem with coming back to the blog after having not posted for over two months, is that so much has happened, and I feel guilty for not getting around to posting, and I've put off posting because of not knowing where to start and the guilt of not keeping up.

A (Less-Than) Brief Rundown:

The move has happened and it is good. I finally feel settled, I like my space, the three of us have good chemistry.

The temp assignment continues, but it is becoming wearing. I have a head for numbers, but have no intention of pursing a career using that particular ability. I turned down full-time employment, so I figure my days may soon be numbered (except that I'm efficient and good at what I'm doing, so they may put off hiring for a while...)

There are a couple of other interesting part-time employment prospects on the horizon, one especially interesting to knitters, but nothing is for sure, so I'll leave well enough alone.

I've begun dancing around writing again. I was really stressed out about it for a while, but the urge is returning, and I'm trying to heed it.

I've finished knitting the modified Lace Ribbon with my souvenir yarn from Santa Cruz. I still need to weave in ends and block, but that should surprise no one. I like the way it looks so far, but in a worsted merino blend, it is definitely a cooler weather scarf. It's really long, which is cool, and will probably grow in the blocking.

I've begun CeCe again and I think it is going better than it was before. I'm almost back to pre-frog territory (I can tell because the yarn wound around the outside of the center pull ball is almost gone), whee! However, it has already been put aside in favor of another project.

I am making a Baby Surprise Jacket for lovely friends expecting their first child. I ordered and received Knitting Workshop to get a copy of the pattern. I was a bit concerned about what I was getting myself into at first, but the further I get into it, and the more I study the diagram, the more sense it makes to me -- I now think I'm going to be fine. I'm using yard sale/thrift shop wool in brown, beige, and robin's egg blue. It'll be interesting to see how my choice of striping patterns turns out when it's all folded and seamed.

As I work the pattern, I'm also reading bits and pieces of the book and finding it interesting. I'll likely give the ribwarmer a try at the very least. I've been wanting to get an EZ book for ages, but could never find one in person, so finally broke down and ordered one online.

For my birthday (nearly a month ago!!) we went to Saint Peter's Village (I swear they used to have an actual website, but it appears to have been hijacked by advertisers) for the day. It was completely relaxing and enjoyable. We packed a picnic, ate on a rock out in the water in the shade, did some rock-hopping on huge boulders, had a beer at the inn, and I had a really decadent piece of cake at the bakery, since I wasn't planning on a birthday cake, per se (turns out I got one a couple of weeks later, courtesy of my sister). I'd like to go back and explore some more, it's only an hour's drive through lovely countryside -- a reminder of what most of Lancaster County used to look like.

I am very slow at it, but am having a great time corresponding with a pen pal I met through Ravelry (Hi J. -- letter in the mail, finally!). I love writing letters the old fashioned way, but it takes me forever to sit down and begin them. I need to change that before my new friend gives up on me completely.

Well, that got a bit long, I do go on at times, I suppose.

Enough for tonight, tired, haven't done any knitting tonight, yet, inexplicably decided to make stove top popcorn at 11:00 pm (wasn't very good, popcorn may be too old, may have had wrong oil/heat/corn ratios).

Good night, be well, enjoy your weekends, and thank you for hanging in there, those of you who have.

Overwhelm Update

The new assignment is going well, not earthshattering work, but steady, so good.

Packing is still not really happening, though small loads have been trickling to the new space (mostly yarn or potential yarn).

I've had people tromping through my space fairly regularly over the past couple of weeks, twice when I've been home. Not crazy about it, but I know the landlord needs to get it rented again. I boggle at COUPLES looking at it, I can't imagine living here with another person. Then again, I'm about to move in with my boyfriend (and another roommate) and we'll all have our own rooms, and I'm not concerned about it in terms of the relationship. I like my space.

May have finally gotten past my Jaywalker problems, ripped back to where I had made mistakes and am making my way to where I was, error-free so far.

Fighting a cold, coughed my head off/lungs out for about four days, but today was better. Not saying I am better (that would be asking for it), but today was less miserable.

There are women who knit together in the park where I eat my lunch. I haven't gotten the nerve yet to go over and talk to them. Today one was working on a sock, one was displaying what appeared to be a sock yarn mitered square blanket, and I couldn't tell what the third was working on, but she'd made decent progress since last week (she was carrying her project in a MDS&W tote bag).

That is all.

Me on Overwhelm

I'm moving again. It'll be good, but for now I just don't know where to start.

I have a temp job starting tomorrow. It'll also be good, since I was running into a serious economic quandary, but it's also nerve-wracking to start a new assignment -- especially after months of attempting the freelance thing.

Sorry this is incoherent, and that it's been so long since I've posted. In the interim I took an amazing trip across country by train. I posed for 1000 Knitters at Wool Gathering. I've probably done other things as well, but my brain is non-functional.

I Am an Enigma

The visit with my family went okay, but it served to remind me just how odd I am to them, and that's without getting into religion and politics!

I am the eldest grandchild, but have not provided a single great-grandchild, and more than likely will not.

I am the first divorcee in my grandparents' brood. They've been married for 60 years, they have 6 children and 13 grandchildren (granted, the youngest two are 2 1/2 and 1, and the next youngest is 17). I've been divorced for 10 years and have not remarried or even been with the same person the entire time.

I live alone, and prefer it that way.

I am quiet and introverted.

I don't want a big house, a new car, expensive clothes...

I change jobs frequently, not because I get fired, but because I don't want to be stuck in something that eats my creativity and enjoyment of life.

It's not that they necessarily think any of this is bad (well, they're probably not thrilled with the job thing), just sort of strange. Thing is, I find them just as strange for my part, so I guess as long as we can agree to go with it, everything will be okay.

Ten Good Things

1. Sitting in a cafe watching flurries come down for the second Tuesday in a row.
2. Leaving to visit family tomorrow for a few days (my grandmother turns 80, though you wouldn't think it to see her), thereby getting respite from my all-too-familiar surroundings.
3. Finishing projects: a sweater, a pair of socks, and a pair of mittens since Christmas.
4. Casting on for my first pair of Monkey socks with my first ball of Trekking XXL (100)
5. Finding a potential source of moral support for my self-employment endeavour.
6. Re-discovering cooking from scratch; I'm getting pretty good at chopping vegetables and having them turn into soup
7. Finding the discipline for a regular meditation practice, it helps with the anxiety I carry around with me everywhere.
8. Glass spice jars finally came in. I buy them three at a time. I have more than three little plastic bags of spices, but this process seems to work better in increments at the moment.
9. Realizing that I can probably let go of a LOT of my stuff and not really miss it. That's not to say it'll happen any time soon, but when it does, I know it'll be okay.
10. Finally getting around to putting this post together. I've been thinking about it for weeks, but it took until today. Sorry for the delay (because I know you were waiting on pins and needles to hear from me!).

Merry Christmas (or Happy Tuesday)

I don't have my gifts wrapped yet, but there aren't many of them. I'm sitting alone in my living room with A Christmas Carol (or Scrooge) on PBS, addressing cards -- as far as I'm concerned, if they arrive before New Year's Day, I'm good -- and getting ready to wrap gifts, sew up the holes between the fingers in the gift Knucks, and finish sewing in the zipper on my Ribby. Overly ambitious? Maybe, but it's okay. I'd like to wear Ribby tomorrow, but if I don't get the zipper finished, it won't be the end of the world.

It's been a bit of a rough year for my family, so none of us are feeling particularly Christmas-y, but I'll go over to my parents' in the morning and sit in front of their fire for a few hours, then pick my boyfriend up from work and spend the evening with his family. He lost his father six months ago, so they may not be particularly festive either.

All that being said, I did go to a Christmas Eve carol service tonight and really enjoyed it. Christmas is much more of a cultural than a religious celebration for me, but I do love singing carols, and Silent Night (which was sung a capella in the dark as we passed candle flame from the front of the church to the back) almost always makes me want to weep.

I want to wish any who read a Merry Christmas, or alternatively, the warmth of the holiday season in accordance to whichever traditions you may observe. Blessings and peace to you and yours and to the world as a whole.

Open Mic

We went to an open mic poetry event last night. I used to read at them regularly, but these days I attend as a spectator. There was a broad mix of readers in terms of style, subject and technique. I liked a lot of it, and am always floored by people who can recite long pieces from memory.

Although I didn't read, I did have a couple of moments of inspiration, which is why I'm always careful to keep a small notebook and pen with me at these things.

As far as knitting goes, I'm nearly done with the thumb gusset on the second Knuck, but I'm afraid there may be problems...

It has rained all day, there's ice on all sorts of things outside, and I think I'm going to skip a party these evening because I'm just not up for human interaction.

NGRI

It just kills me to be in a situation in which insanity is the best possible outcome.

Also, people who post comments to online news articles can be absolutely thoughtless and vicious. I'm not reading anymore, I only hope others involved don't stumble across them.

No More Crime TV

I usually tend to watch a lot of Law and Order, it's well written, I like the actors, and it's on practically 24 hours a day somewhere, making it a convenient default when hanging out at M's (I don't have cable).

After last week, seeing proceedings firsthand, I no longer feel it necessary to watch fictional crime of any sort. I had a really hard week, it'll continue for a bit longer, and it's not really bloggable even though it's the only thing I have on my mind at this point.

Insomnia

I didn't sleep last night. I read all night because I couldn't fall asleep. Finally, sometime after 5:15 am I fell asleep, poorly, for about four hours. This is becoming a weekly thing with me. I've always had trouble falling asleep and staying asleep, but this is different. Now I stay awake until nearly morning one night every week and am basically useless the next day. I don't know what I would do if I had to actually go to work after nights like these.

It's an anxiety thing, I'm sure of it. I couldn't get my brain to shut off; I suddenly thought of a way to knit myself mittens (I need to make super-custom ones), I thought of all the things I could possibly (if I had months) knit people as Christmas gifts...all sorts of things rushed, unbidden, through my mind, and the only thing I could do to stop them was to read. I thought about writing them out, but I was afraid that if I wrote them, I'd end up being more awake.

I've gotten a few things done today (one row left on the first Knuck), but nothing compared to what I'd wanted to get accomplished.

Wishing you all restorative sleep.