Open Letter to Fear

Dear Paralyzing Fear of Failure:

I need to ask you to ease off a bit. I know that you may be trying to protect me (though it may be that you are simply out to get me.), but this grip you have me in is a real problem. I am so tired of being afraid to do anything that could possibly make me feel even a little foolish, or that would cause someone to say “no” to me.

People fail at things all of the time. It’s okay, and generally not the end of the world. Getting a few rejection letters as a result of actually sending queries out to editors will not kill me. And, honestly, the more queries I send out, the more likely someone is to actually say “yes” instead. Right now, by sending out none, I have no chance of a positive response, which doesn’t seem like a very good ration to me.

Of course, writing isn’t the only thing I worry about screwing up. You also don’t want me to call friends to hang out, because you want to shield me from the fact that they might have something going on at the moment I call. It’s really okay. I’m a big girl. There are ways around it, other arrangements can be made, other time can be spent. And if someone would consistently say “no,” then maybe I don’t need to be friends with them after all.

I just bought a sewing book and I want to make a skirt, or at least some napkins, but we haven’t dragged the fabric out of the closet because there’s the chance I won’t be able to sew a straight seam.

The closet hasn’t been gone through, because if I get rid of too many things I’ll have to replace some of them with different things and I won’t know how to dress myself.

The package needs to be sent to M, but the inscription hasn’t been written for fear of writing something stupid or making a wrong penstroke, oh, and for fear that my package won’t measure up to the one she will be sending me.

This is so ridiculous, especially since I could probably go on like this for an hour if I let myself, but that just seems as though it would belabor the point.

I’m tired of being afraid of doing any and everything. I’d much rather have a few spectacularly Technicolor goof-ups than to continue doing nothing because it’s safe. Because, really, doing nothing isn’t safe either. Doing nothing makes me anxious. It makes me sleep until noon and not leave the house. It makes me feel and act like a mouse, not cook, eat fattening food, or not eat at all because I don’t want to mess up the kitchen. It makes me wait to do dishes until no one else is home so that Mark and Chip won’t comment on how I might do them better (not that they’d even DO that sort of thing!).

So, what can I do to change this? Do I need to try to just charge ahead and ignore you, batter against you and hope that I am stronger than you all of the sudden? Do I need to tell someone I’m going to do something so that I have accountability to an actual, living, human being, rather than some weird piece of my psyche that’s way too good at intimidating me?

Please, let me know what I should do, because I’m really at the end of my rope and am tired of being tired and anxious and terrified of anything that stretches me in the least little bit beyond the very narrow confines I’ve shoved my life into over the past few years.

I know other people who have made enormous, colossal mistakes, ones that I can’t even begin to imagine being able to make, and they’re still out there living, interacting, putting themselves out there and making things happen. I want that. No, I need that.

Please let me live, give me a break. I can take some risks without endangering myself, I promise.

Love,

Faith.

What Am I Waiting For?

I have less than 20 rows to go before finishing my February Lady Sweater, and somehow I can't get myself to sit down and make it happen. I'm pretty sure I'm worried about the what-ifs: what if it doesn't block the way I hope it will; what if it doesn't fit the way I want it to; what if it just looks bad on me; and on and on. Dumb, I know, but I just can't help it.

Daylight savings day is usually a slow one for me, and this was no exception. I did some reading, sorted laundry to be done tomorrow, bought a journal for a swap I'm doing on Ravelry, but mostly had a low key kind of day. Except that I drank too much coffee early this afternoon, so now I don't know when I'm going to be able to fall asleep. I should probably just go back to not drinking it.

I'll do some writing this evening and try to sift through a little bit of my stuff, as usual. I have assignments for two new articles, so tomorrow I'll begin contacting the subjects and setting up meeting times. I'm getting much more comfortable with this process, and that makes me happy.

I got a pen pal letter this week that I need to answer soon, but I want to read it again and set aside some time to write a thoughtful reply. I love exchanging real letters, but I do tend to do it sort of slowly. Luckily, I have understanding people on the other end.

Tomorrow may be the day to see the Kitchen Kettle Village location of Lancaster Yarn Shop. I'm definitely looking forward to seeing the new space.

Thanks for the comments and suggestions about Twitter, I may give it a try soon. I hope everyone had a nice weekend. Be well.

The Coming Year

I didn't make any resolutions this year, because, inevitably, I don't keep them, then beat myself up about it. A couple of weeks ago I sort of determined large categories I wanted to examine or work on in 2009: meditation, writing, yoga, and my stuff (mostly physical, but also emotional). They are areas I want to strengthen or revisit because working with each of them has the potential for positive changes in my life. I'm not going to get into details at the moment, and it's not to say that these are the only things I'll do.

I'll certainly keep knitting (I just picked up the Jaywalker I started on the way home from the west coast in April, and have the February Lady sweater and a multidirectinal diagonal scarf on the needles and yarn for Coronet -- sorry, no links tonight) and I need to figure out my work life all over again (I've been playing catch-as-catch-can for three-and-a-half years and I need to figure out if I want to continue that or decide on something concrete. Work at the LYS was great, and I'll still do a few fill-in days here and there, but I knew from the start that it'd probably be short-term.), but mostly I need to figure out who I am and what I want my life to look like.

Let's forget for the moment that I will be thirty-nine years old this summer and that it's probably a little late to be examining this question. I spent parts of today in two different cafes on my own, which was my intention all along. In both of them, I saw and briefly chatted with people I knew, but I also saw people meeting for breakfast or lunch or coffee. This is not something I often do, and on my way home I realized that I wished it was. This is not some "poor me" complaint, because my lack of connection to others is purely of my own doing.

I can be social, but I'm not one for large groups (which is partly why I've sat out two parties in the last three days). I like getting together one-on-one or with a few people at a time, but I have trouble getting up the nerve to contact friends or acquaintances to get together for lunch or coffee or whatever. As a result of the above factors (I hope) I've fallen off of most social calendars, so I rarely get contacted by anyone else either. So here's the question: How do I change this without looking needy or desperate or completely awkward?

By the way, the jury's still out about whether I'm keeping this, but since I'm thinking about it, I may as well use it.

I hope the new year is treating you well so far. Peace.

Reflection

I've had a lot on my mind lately, some of it has to do with large, overarching issues, some is smaller, more personal stuff. I go around and around it all, never getting anywhere useful, sort of like a dog chasing its tail.

I know it's really late for post-election analysis, but that's one of the things banging around in the corners of my brain. I voted for Obama, and I'm glad I did, but I did it with my eyes open, and I'm pretty sure that things are not going to change drastically because he was voted in. I'd like to believe that things during the next four years can't be as bad as they have been for the past eight, but I don't know that one man in a broken two-party system can effect that much positive change. I can only hope that putting him in rather than McCain/Palin may forestall further erosion of social policy and may finally bring us closer to the end of this sham of a war our government has insisted on waging in the name of oil (though, of course, they would rather call it national security).

I worry about us as a people, and me as an individual. On balance, I don't own tons of things, but I look around my room and see clutter that puts me in a state of paralysis when it comes to actually doing anything about it. I don't want tons of stuff, I don't use most of it, I certainly don't need most of it, but I can't bring myself to get rid of it. There are things given to me by other people, things that may prove useful down the road, things that make me sentimental for obscure or not-so-obscure reasons. There is, of course, my stash of knitting-related tools, materials, and information, which, although not large, is probably more than I can reasonably go through any time soon. I could probably get someone more organized and dispassionate than myself to go through things with me, but I'm not sure I want to give up control of those decisions. I acknowledge that this is a personal failing which extends to areas beyond my untidy accumulation of personal belongings.

So, the question is, what do I do about all of it, the big and the small, far-reaching and individual? How do I let go of emotional and physical excess in a way that is healthy and satisfying, and by doing so, will I sleep better at night and wake up rested and energized for a change?

Naomi Shihab Nye

I saw her read tonight, and I am so glad I went, despite the rain and the dark and the crowded auditorium. I took my sock knitting with me to take the edge off my anxiety while I waited for the program to begin.

I put the needles down once the house lights were lowered, and extricated my Moleskine and a pen so that I could jot quotes and book titles and poem fragments of my own as she spoke. The more I am enjoying the reader, the more notes I take. We gave her a standing ovation when she had finished, and rightfully so.

I hadn't encountered Naomi Shihab Nye or her work before (except that she was originally scheduled to speak here in October), and I didn't have funds to buy books tonight, but I definitely want to spend some time reading her as soon as possible.

I love living in a town in which there is access to writers of this caliber.

Sleepy All the Time

No, really, and it's starting to get on my nerves a bit. Granted, I was up later last night than I'd planned to be, but even when I go to bed at a decent time I wake up tired and never feel like I completely wake up. Any suggestions?

I did end up having some of the giant brussels sprouts on Sunday, and I had steamed broccoli last night. Tonight I had a bowl of cereal. I probably should have had more steamed green things, but cereal it was.

I'm trying to eat a little healthier. I tend not to cook much, I can't really put my finger on what exactly I do eat (cereal is actually not terribly high on the list), but I know a lot of it is out of boxes and cans, and I'm sort of tired of that, and of letting produce turn into something else because I don't get around to eating it. At the same time, I find myself buying food when I don't need to, so I have quite a bit of stuff in boxes and cans that should be gone through before I buy more (yeah, probably a touch of hoarding behavior there -- I'm thinking it slots in quite well next to the anxiety tendencies of recent months).

I'm a member of a Curves, and there is a food drive there in March, so maybe I'll pass some of it along then so that I don't feel quite as guilty about not eating it. I need to focus on the fact that I'm fortunate enough to have food in my cupboards that I can pass along to someone who can not afford to have a surplus on hand.

Okay...so this post was all over the place, and nowhere at all, but that's okay. I just needed to put it down somewhere, since it's 9:30 and I'm ready for bed and feeling guilty for eating cold cereal for dinner rather than cooking something nutritious. Now I'm starting to repeat myself.

My day starts with a 7:30 meeting tomorrow, but I have an hour-long massage scheduled right after work, so I think that makes up for it.

Burrowing

It's supposed to be another snowy day today, so I'm holing up until I have to go to work tomorrow. I went out yesterday, did some marketing, went to the grocery store, went to Day of Dance at the health campus. The last one was nerve-wracking because it was just so crowded. But I got some decent information, and it didn't hurt that my boss's boss saw me there. I only lasted two of the four hours, though.

I could take a walk to a cafe, get out of the house for a bit, but I don't think I'm going to. I think I'll stay here and curl up with my knitting and a movie or several. Maybe cook this afternoon. I bought the largest brussels sprouts I've ever seen yesterday, I think I may steam a few of them later. I had oatmeal with maple syrup and blackberries for breakfast. It's definitely a comfort food day.

I've got a lot on my mind lately, but most of it is unsharable, or just too tangled to be clearly articulated. This day burrowed into my space will, hopefully help with all that as well.

I hope you all enjoy your Sunday, in whichever way works best for you.

Oops!

Okay, so I did really well for just over a week, then dropped off the map, but that's not terribly surprising, is it? I'm not entirely sure what happened, just life, I guess. I needed to recover from the project that ended the day of my last post.

I finished Branching Out and gave it to my mom, she really liked it. The blocking job was only okay, I don't seem to have the patience for that part of the process.

I made myself one mitten, but I'm not entirely happy with it, and the second one is stalled on the cuff.

I started Bejeweled in one of the yarns I got at Maryland, but it looked too much like a tongue so I ripped it out and started it again in some lilac (color 89) Plymouth Galway. It's going much better. I'm going to donate it to a charity auction in the spring, because lilac is not one of my colors at all, and I like to donate something to them every year.

I've started a pair of worsted weight socks for a friend. You'd think they'd fly, right? Well, my friend has size 12 guy feet, so even at a larger gauge, it's still a lot of sock. I think I'm 15cm into 25cm of the first leg (he lives in Germany and gave me leg height in cm, so I figured I'd go with it). Oh, did I mention I decided to do them in 3x1 rib? But he's looking forward to getting them and I'm glad I can make them for him, so lots and lots of socks it is, even if they are brown...

A sinus infection has had me in its grips for a week and a half, though I think I'm coming out on the other side now. For me, sinus infection always means a hacking lung-based cough, always.

Mostly, though, I've been anxious. Just generally, about almost anything. Which is probably why I haven't posted for nearly a month...who knew?