Open Letter to Fear

Dear Paralyzing Fear of Failure:

I need to ask you to ease off a bit. I know that you may be trying to protect me (though it may be that you are simply out to get me.), but this grip you have me in is a real problem. I am so tired of being afraid to do anything that could possibly make me feel even a little foolish, or that would cause someone to say “no” to me.

People fail at things all of the time. It’s okay, and generally not the end of the world. Getting a few rejection letters as a result of actually sending queries out to editors will not kill me. And, honestly, the more queries I send out, the more likely someone is to actually say “yes” instead. Right now, by sending out none, I have no chance of a positive response, which doesn’t seem like a very good ration to me.

Of course, writing isn’t the only thing I worry about screwing up. You also don’t want me to call friends to hang out, because you want to shield me from the fact that they might have something going on at the moment I call. It’s really okay. I’m a big girl. There are ways around it, other arrangements can be made, other time can be spent. And if someone would consistently say “no,” then maybe I don’t need to be friends with them after all.

I just bought a sewing book and I want to make a skirt, or at least some napkins, but we haven’t dragged the fabric out of the closet because there’s the chance I won’t be able to sew a straight seam.

The closet hasn’t been gone through, because if I get rid of too many things I’ll have to replace some of them with different things and I won’t know how to dress myself.

The package needs to be sent to M, but the inscription hasn’t been written for fear of writing something stupid or making a wrong penstroke, oh, and for fear that my package won’t measure up to the one she will be sending me.

This is so ridiculous, especially since I could probably go on like this for an hour if I let myself, but that just seems as though it would belabor the point.

I’m tired of being afraid of doing any and everything. I’d much rather have a few spectacularly Technicolor goof-ups than to continue doing nothing because it’s safe. Because, really, doing nothing isn’t safe either. Doing nothing makes me anxious. It makes me sleep until noon and not leave the house. It makes me feel and act like a mouse, not cook, eat fattening food, or not eat at all because I don’t want to mess up the kitchen. It makes me wait to do dishes until no one else is home so that Mark and Chip won’t comment on how I might do them better (not that they’d even DO that sort of thing!).

So, what can I do to change this? Do I need to try to just charge ahead and ignore you, batter against you and hope that I am stronger than you all of the sudden? Do I need to tell someone I’m going to do something so that I have accountability to an actual, living, human being, rather than some weird piece of my psyche that’s way too good at intimidating me?

Please, let me know what I should do, because I’m really at the end of my rope and am tired of being tired and anxious and terrified of anything that stretches me in the least little bit beyond the very narrow confines I’ve shoved my life into over the past few years.

I know other people who have made enormous, colossal mistakes, ones that I can’t even begin to imagine being able to make, and they’re still out there living, interacting, putting themselves out there and making things happen. I want that. No, I need that.

Please let me live, give me a break. I can take some risks without endangering myself, I promise.

Love,

Faith.

What Am I Waiting For?

I have less than 20 rows to go before finishing my February Lady Sweater, and somehow I can't get myself to sit down and make it happen. I'm pretty sure I'm worried about the what-ifs: what if it doesn't block the way I hope it will; what if it doesn't fit the way I want it to; what if it just looks bad on me; and on and on. Dumb, I know, but I just can't help it.

Daylight savings day is usually a slow one for me, and this was no exception. I did some reading, sorted laundry to be done tomorrow, bought a journal for a swap I'm doing on Ravelry, but mostly had a low key kind of day. Except that I drank too much coffee early this afternoon, so now I don't know when I'm going to be able to fall asleep. I should probably just go back to not drinking it.

I'll do some writing this evening and try to sift through a little bit of my stuff, as usual. I have assignments for two new articles, so tomorrow I'll begin contacting the subjects and setting up meeting times. I'm getting much more comfortable with this process, and that makes me happy.

I got a pen pal letter this week that I need to answer soon, but I want to read it again and set aside some time to write a thoughtful reply. I love exchanging real letters, but I do tend to do it sort of slowly. Luckily, I have understanding people on the other end.

Tomorrow may be the day to see the Kitchen Kettle Village location of Lancaster Yarn Shop. I'm definitely looking forward to seeing the new space.

Thanks for the comments and suggestions about Twitter, I may give it a try soon. I hope everyone had a nice weekend. Be well.

Snow Day!

Er, except for the fact that I didn't actually have to leave the house to work. But snow it did. We got several inches and I decided to just stay home all day. Lancaster Yarn Shop's new location's opening was postponed until tomorrow, so I didn't have to feel guilty about missing it.

I did my proofreading project, which was a small one, and the client stopped by this afternoon and got it while I was shoveling piles of light, fluffy snow off of the steps and sidewalk in front of the house. I knew she was coming, since I wasn't planning to go downtown until tomorrow (which originally she'd been fine with), and had decided to take advantage of the waiting time to get the snow moved. My only concern about my shoveling is the possibility of a super-thin scrim of ice forming on the steps and walk in the sub-freezing cold we're supposed to have overnight. I'll have to look carefully at the steps, and put more salt down, when I leave to run my errands tomorrow. I'm trying to avoid falling again, if possible.

I am planning to do some writing later this evening, but probably won't get started on editing a long-neglected manuscript, yet again. I printed the whole thing out a couple of weeks ago and put it in a portfolio with a blank spiral notebook, but that's as far as I've gotten. I look at it every day (it's sticking out of my document file at an angle), but haven't opened it. I'm pretty sure I'm afraid it's going to be a huge, un-fixable mess that will represent years of wasted creative energy. Sad, I know, especially since it's probably not entirely true. There will probably be plenty that needs chucking, but some that will make sense and be at least workable. I came across a couple of days worth of Nano 2008-that-was-not (one of these years I WILL complete it again!) yesterday when I was uploading stuff from my Neo to clear it for super-mobile typing opportunities that actually wasn't half bad, so maybe there is hope for the other, if I can just convince myself to sit down and start reading, and eventually start retyping.

My editor sent me the early issue of the magazine I write for, with one of my articles in it. She assigns them in clusters, but they don't always end up running in the issue immediately following the assignment. It's validating to actually see work there, with my name attached, but I know I need to do more, to get beyond one proofreading client and one writing client. At this point I'm clearly still swimming in the shallow, hobbyist pool, and haven't figured out how to propel myself to the deep end with the pros.

The lack of momentum/overabundance of fear regarding my writing/editing aspirations explains why I have spent the past week reading the blog archives of Havi Brooks at The Fluent Self (link originally found at Enchanting Juno). She talks a lot about figuring out what is keeping you from doing the thing you know you should be doing, getting past fear, getting yourself out there in ways that feel right and not pushy or obnoxious. She offers workshops and classes and consulting services, but right now I don't feel like I can afford to pay for any of it, so I'm starting of by reading her blog from start to present, as well as what some of her commenters have to say, just to give myself something to think about, and perhaps a better starting point from which to proceed. I don't read entire blog archives for every blog I stumble upon, but I am getting a lot out of this one.

Other than doing business reading, completing a short job, and shoveling snow, it was a pretty low-key day. I started a swatch with a mystery orange tweedy yarn that could become a vest (and about five other things, there's a fair amount of it) if I can get anything close to gauge and if it softens up considerably in the washing. I'm usually not so diligent with the swatching, but there was no way of avoiding it with this yarn.

Enough, have a good evening.

Beginning to Relax

Though, by saying that, I probably just blew it. Regardless, yes my stress level seems to be evening out, and though I still feel like I'm either not sleeping enough or sleeping way too much (sometimes in the same night!), equilibrium seems to be returning and I am so glad.

Since my last post about my work situation, I confirmed that I will, in fact, be working four days a week at the original, Gallery Row,Lancaster Yarn Shop. I had to specify the location, because tomorrow our (well, Wendy's, really) second location at Kitchen Kettle Village in Intercourse will be opening! Although I will not be working at that store, I do plan to stop by tomorrow to wish Wendy well and check out the new digs. I have high hopes for the future of both shops, which will likely fill slightly different needs based on location and clientele. If you are local or are going to be, please stop by and say "Hi." Or any other greeting you'd like to exchange, as long as it's pleasant.

I've worked in, and not especially enjoyed, retail before, but this is different. It's working with products I use and am excited about, and I get to help people one-on-one (beyond just ringing up sales or finding the right size of x or y) and meet lots of interesting knitters who live in my community! What's not to love? So, there's that.

I also find that I am writing more, daily, even. Most of it is definitely first-draft work that may well stay that way, but the point is that it is returning and I managed to clear off a spot on my desk so that I can sit and get something done like an adult. Also, I was in touch with the editor I've been writing for the other day, and it looks like some assignments may be forthcoming. Also, I have a proofreading project to do tomorrow.

It may not seem like a lot, and there are definitely things I still need to figure out: still way too much clutter, still worried about a sick friend, still trying to find balance, not to mention making a decision to use "still" a whole lot less.

As for knitting, FLS has a completed body and part of a right sleeve. I'm counting on it growing in the blocking, and if washing Coronet was any indication, it will.

Here's a question, anyone use Twitter, and if so, should I? I succumbed to Facebook, but don't know if I need yet another social networking thingy grabbing my time and attention. Thanks for your input.

Enough with the rambling, have a good week!

Tired of February

I told a friend today that I was tired of February specifically and winter in general.

I'm mostly tired of being cold all of the time, of having to bundle up every time I want to go anywhere, and of the gas bill reflecting the struggle to stay warm. Yes, as a knitter, I can appreciate cooler weather for the wool wearing and working comfort, but enough is enough!

Spring fever is obviously setting in, because yesterday I was pretending to plan a trip I can in no way afford, and today I took four books out of the library and three were volumes of travel essays. None of the four was the book for the Pen Fetish Crafters (on Ravelry, of course) read-along; I got the call this afternoon that they had received it, so I'll probably pick it up tomorrow or Thursday.

I am at a crossroads once again, of course (my life must take place on some level in what I imagine a souq to be like, where intersections are close and frequent and there are new distractions at every turn). My fill-in time at my old job appears to be done (though I need to confirm that) and I'm still not sure what is happening in LYS land, other than the fact that I'm working Friday and Saturday, and most likely at least part of next Friday for First Friday.

I'd still like to find some way to be able to work for myself, but I have a hard time putting myself out there. If someone gives me a project or assignment, I'm great; I'll do it diligently and thoroughly and get it in when you need it. The problem comes with the going out and seeking new clients or assignments, or sending query letters to pitch ideas. I worry that I won't cut it, so I just don't do it in the first place. This is not a recipe for freelance success, or success of any other type, for that matter.

I'll give it this week and maybe next to find out if my current options will work out long-term, then I may have to call the temp agency and see if they have anything to put me into so that I can be sure to have food, clothing, and shelter for the foreseeable future.

On a brighter note, I'm nearly finished with the body of the February Lady Sweater, and am happy with the way it's knitting up in the Lamb's Pride.

There are other things I thought about adding, but I think this has been enough random for one evening.

The Coming Year

I didn't make any resolutions this year, because, inevitably, I don't keep them, then beat myself up about it. A couple of weeks ago I sort of determined large categories I wanted to examine or work on in 2009: meditation, writing, yoga, and my stuff (mostly physical, but also emotional). They are areas I want to strengthen or revisit because working with each of them has the potential for positive changes in my life. I'm not going to get into details at the moment, and it's not to say that these are the only things I'll do.

I'll certainly keep knitting (I just picked up the Jaywalker I started on the way home from the west coast in April, and have the February Lady sweater and a multidirectinal diagonal scarf on the needles and yarn for Coronet -- sorry, no links tonight) and I need to figure out my work life all over again (I've been playing catch-as-catch-can for three-and-a-half years and I need to figure out if I want to continue that or decide on something concrete. Work at the LYS was great, and I'll still do a few fill-in days here and there, but I knew from the start that it'd probably be short-term.), but mostly I need to figure out who I am and what I want my life to look like.

Let's forget for the moment that I will be thirty-nine years old this summer and that it's probably a little late to be examining this question. I spent parts of today in two different cafes on my own, which was my intention all along. In both of them, I saw and briefly chatted with people I knew, but I also saw people meeting for breakfast or lunch or coffee. This is not something I often do, and on my way home I realized that I wished it was. This is not some "poor me" complaint, because my lack of connection to others is purely of my own doing.

I can be social, but I'm not one for large groups (which is partly why I've sat out two parties in the last three days). I like getting together one-on-one or with a few people at a time, but I have trouble getting up the nerve to contact friends or acquaintances to get together for lunch or coffee or whatever. As a result of the above factors (I hope) I've fallen off of most social calendars, so I rarely get contacted by anyone else either. So here's the question: How do I change this without looking needy or desperate or completely awkward?

By the way, the jury's still out about whether I'm keeping this, but since I'm thinking about it, I may as well use it.

I hope the new year is treating you well so far. Peace.

Return of Intermittent Blogger

Yes, I am slinking back into view. The problem with coming back to the blog after having not posted for over two months, is that so much has happened, and I feel guilty for not getting around to posting, and I've put off posting because of not knowing where to start and the guilt of not keeping up.

A (Less-Than) Brief Rundown:

The move has happened and it is good. I finally feel settled, I like my space, the three of us have good chemistry.

The temp assignment continues, but it is becoming wearing. I have a head for numbers, but have no intention of pursing a career using that particular ability. I turned down full-time employment, so I figure my days may soon be numbered (except that I'm efficient and good at what I'm doing, so they may put off hiring for a while...)

There are a couple of other interesting part-time employment prospects on the horizon, one especially interesting to knitters, but nothing is for sure, so I'll leave well enough alone.

I've begun dancing around writing again. I was really stressed out about it for a while, but the urge is returning, and I'm trying to heed it.

I've finished knitting the modified Lace Ribbon with my souvenir yarn from Santa Cruz. I still need to weave in ends and block, but that should surprise no one. I like the way it looks so far, but in a worsted merino blend, it is definitely a cooler weather scarf. It's really long, which is cool, and will probably grow in the blocking.

I've begun CeCe again and I think it is going better than it was before. I'm almost back to pre-frog territory (I can tell because the yarn wound around the outside of the center pull ball is almost gone), whee! However, it has already been put aside in favor of another project.

I am making a Baby Surprise Jacket for lovely friends expecting their first child. I ordered and received Knitting Workshop to get a copy of the pattern. I was a bit concerned about what I was getting myself into at first, but the further I get into it, and the more I study the diagram, the more sense it makes to me -- I now think I'm going to be fine. I'm using yard sale/thrift shop wool in brown, beige, and robin's egg blue. It'll be interesting to see how my choice of striping patterns turns out when it's all folded and seamed.

As I work the pattern, I'm also reading bits and pieces of the book and finding it interesting. I'll likely give the ribwarmer a try at the very least. I've been wanting to get an EZ book for ages, but could never find one in person, so finally broke down and ordered one online.

For my birthday (nearly a month ago!!) we went to Saint Peter's Village (I swear they used to have an actual website, but it appears to have been hijacked by advertisers) for the day. It was completely relaxing and enjoyable. We packed a picnic, ate on a rock out in the water in the shade, did some rock-hopping on huge boulders, had a beer at the inn, and I had a really decadent piece of cake at the bakery, since I wasn't planning on a birthday cake, per se (turns out I got one a couple of weeks later, courtesy of my sister). I'd like to go back and explore some more, it's only an hour's drive through lovely countryside -- a reminder of what most of Lancaster County used to look like.

I am very slow at it, but am having a great time corresponding with a pen pal I met through Ravelry (Hi J. -- letter in the mail, finally!). I love writing letters the old fashioned way, but it takes me forever to sit down and begin them. I need to change that before my new friend gives up on me completely.

Well, that got a bit long, I do go on at times, I suppose.

Enough for tonight, tired, haven't done any knitting tonight, yet, inexplicably decided to make stove top popcorn at 11:00 pm (wasn't very good, popcorn may be too old, may have had wrong oil/heat/corn ratios).

Good night, be well, enjoy your weekends, and thank you for hanging in there, those of you who have.

Overwhelm Update

The new assignment is going well, not earthshattering work, but steady, so good.

Packing is still not really happening, though small loads have been trickling to the new space (mostly yarn or potential yarn).

I've had people tromping through my space fairly regularly over the past couple of weeks, twice when I've been home. Not crazy about it, but I know the landlord needs to get it rented again. I boggle at COUPLES looking at it, I can't imagine living here with another person. Then again, I'm about to move in with my boyfriend (and another roommate) and we'll all have our own rooms, and I'm not concerned about it in terms of the relationship. I like my space.

May have finally gotten past my Jaywalker problems, ripped back to where I had made mistakes and am making my way to where I was, error-free so far.

Fighting a cold, coughed my head off/lungs out for about four days, but today was better. Not saying I am better (that would be asking for it), but today was less miserable.

There are women who knit together in the park where I eat my lunch. I haven't gotten the nerve yet to go over and talk to them. Today one was working on a sock, one was displaying what appeared to be a sock yarn mitered square blanket, and I couldn't tell what the third was working on, but she'd made decent progress since last week (she was carrying her project in a MDS&W tote bag).

That is all.

Me on Overwhelm

I'm moving again. It'll be good, but for now I just don't know where to start.

I have a temp job starting tomorrow. It'll also be good, since I was running into a serious economic quandary, but it's also nerve-wracking to start a new assignment -- especially after months of attempting the freelance thing.

Sorry this is incoherent, and that it's been so long since I've posted. In the interim I took an amazing trip across country by train. I posed for 1000 Knitters at Wool Gathering. I've probably done other things as well, but my brain is non-functional.

Searching for Rhythm

Yes, I'm nearly two-thirds of the way through this career experiment, and I can't say it's going as well as I'd hoped. I have written and submitted two articles for which I have reasonably high hopes of being paid, but I haven't been drumming up much other work.

I am having a hard time establishing a routine. I was planning to do Nano again this year, but that ended practically before it began. I seem to have lost my touch for speed-written novels, which bums me out, to be honest.

I want to write every day, but I manage to paralyze myself before I even pick up a pen or put fingers to keyboard (including posting here, obviously). I have gotten a bit better in the past few days (it may be premature, but work with me here) and I'm hoping it's the beginning of a trend. Next I need to actually start querying magazines to see if I can round up other paying work. Something I should have done a couple of months ago, yes, I know. I've been thinking about it, but the idea of putting myself out there terrifies me.

D'ya think I should get over that if I want to earn my living this way, maybe?

Thing is, as dismally as the past couple of months have been in terms of productivity, I just can't face the thought of going back to a full-time administrative job, which is what will happen if I can't find a way to make this work. I know I need to find a better way to look at that prospect, but right now it feels like, well, like beige...

Blah, blah, blah...

As to knitting, Ribby is practically done, and it fits. It is practically done because I am afraid of screwing up the zipper. I want it to be done, I want to wear it, anyone want to put a zipper in a sweater (kidding, mostly)?

(this post has quite a theme, maybe I should have titled it "Stupid Things I'm Afraid Of")

I also knit Koolhaas from Interweave's holiday issue, and I'm working on Knucks, although I'm going to skip the embellishment; the recipient prefers utilitarian gear. I love my new hat, and one of these days I'll get around to taking a photo of it. It felt a bit fiddly to start with, but I finished it in a week and learned how to cable without a cable needle.

Well, talk about random. I guess I'd better quit while I'm ahead.

Poetry Night

I went to a poetry reading tonight. I almost always enjoy readings by published poets, and this was no exception. One of the readers is a friend of mine, but I hadn't heard her work before, I'm glad I finally got to. Poetry readings make me want to write, but tonight I'm too jittery from not eating enough today (a bowl of granola late morning-ish) and drinking coffee in the evening, so this is what I'm doing for now.

The freelance thing is still lacking rhythm. I'm doing some work, but not enough, and not with much structure. I haven't quite figured out what I need to do to whip myself into shape.

Knitting is temporarily stalled. I seem to be suffering from my first case of SSS on the basketweave socks, even though I really like the way the first one turned out. Then there's Ribby... I don't have much left to do on the second sleeve, which is the final piece, except that when I looked at it, I seem to have done something different than I did on the first, and I don't quite have the energy to figure out and rip back to fix it, even though I would like to have the finished product.

Argh!

Life has been sort of confusing and stressful in the past few weeks. I almost talked myself into driving to Rhinebeck last weekend, and I'm still kicking myself for not following through on my plan. I think it's about time for me to run away from home for a little while (let's not mention that I live alone), and that would have been the perfect destination. Oh, well, I'll come up with something.

Promising Start, and Knitting!

The first day of my "new life" went better than I'd hoped. I got things accomplished, I didn't slack off and sit in front of the tv or sleep the day away. I may not have been absolutely as productive as I could have been, but I proved that I could get work accomplished without being distracted by anything else I could be doing in my apartment.

I also got some exercise in, an area in which I've been slacking lately. It helped that I had flexibility to go whenever I wanted.

On the knitting front, I went and visited my long-distance SnB group. I travel an hour to knit with them, so I don't get down too often, but I always really always enjoy their company. I got the stitches picked up and a few decreases done on the gusset of my most recent sock, maybe I'll manage to take photos of it tomorrow...maybe.

Oh, Public Service Announcement: If you like to read, and would like to help a fellow knitter, go here to read the plea, and here to read and vote (only 10s count!). It's a fun read and exciting to see her doing so well!

Life, Part Next

I am starting over once again. The job I'd had since December just didn't work out, and Friday was my last day. The plan is to generate freelance opportunities and support myself that way. The more detailed plan is to spend the rest of 2007 doing what I can to generate freelance income, then, in January, take a look at how the quarter went and decide whether I need to reevaluate and what reevaluation will mean, exactly.



I am terrified. I have wanted to do this for a long time, and I've done piecemeal freelance assignments on and off for years, but this is different. This is hustling to find contacts and jobs and living off my savings in the interim.

I am excited, because this is also having flexibility to work hours that work for me, and do interesting volunteer things, and really figure out how to make my own life and set my own priorities.

Keep your fingers crossed for me, okay? I'll try to let you know how it goes.

Yeah, Hi...

Okay, I knew it had been a while, but I hadn't realized it'd been quite that long.

Let's see, in the past two months and six days I have:

• Started dating someone I used to date years ago
• Attended the unexpected funeral of said new/old boyfriend's father
• Attended my grandparents' 60th wedding anniversary party/family reunion
• Contemplated quitting my job 5,638,917 times
• Turned 37 (I have this year's self-portrait, but the time for posting it seems to have passed)
• Finished my Lorna's Laces socks (I love them and I have pictures, but tonight is not a photo-posting night)

There has been more than that, obviously, but those are some of the things that stand out. I could easily write a post for each of them, but it seems sort of pointless to do entire posts about things that are a month or two old, doesn't it?

I am a bad blogger and I apologize to the two of you (if that) who may possibly still bother looking here.

No TeeVee

Well, not this week, at least. It's National TV-Turnoff Week, and I'm going to do my best to observe. I had it on this morning long enough to check weather and traffic, and that may be my only concession. I came home and read and knit and cleaned a bit, and I'll read and clean a bit more before bed, which I'm planning to hit early, because I had my first day of orientation for my new job today (my as-of-last-Friday-still-a-temp-job made permanent) and I have another day of it tomorrow. It's amazing how tiring listening to other people talk and doing group teambuilding exercises can be...

I'm on the decrease rows for the first sleeve of Ribby. I didn't knit much this weekend because I was much more social than usual, and spent very little time in the same place as my knitting. My unusual sociability began on Thursday when I went down to visit the Chesco SnB ladies, with whom I hadn't visited in quite some time. It's a bit of a haul for me, but I do always enjoy myself when I go, so, as I'm sure I've said before, I should try to go more often.