Status: Undecided

Time to get the fear rant off the top of the blog. Should have done weeks ago.

Not sure where I am with all of it, to be honest. I am in the process of sorting through my closet, which mainly means that my room is in an even greater state of chaos than usual. I am trying to get rid of things that no longer serve any purpose (whatever purpose that may be).

• Clothing that doesn't fit or flatter, in a bag to go out.
• Short pieces of ugly acrylic yarn from an odd Goodwill purchase, in the trash (horrors, throwing yarn away!).
• Shoes I literally walked holes through, thrown out and replaced (nine years of wear, good run).

And, yet, I can't throw out tiny scraps of fabric from a small quilt I made five years ago (??). I am a work in progress.

Decided not to go to MD Sheep & Wool this year, because I could only have gone tomorrow, and have decided to go to the Fairie Festival instead. I've never gone, but have wanted to for as long as I've known about it. It may rain, there may be mud, but it should be interesting.

I'm having fun with Twitter and have cooled a bit with Facebook, which makes me feel like high school all over again. I see and hear what everyone else is doing, without me. Not the end of the world, and on some level I don't really care, but still sort of discomfiting.

I'm writing letters (albeit very slowly) and enjoying my rediscovery of fountain pen love.

I'm still working on my Flower Basket Shawl and mostly enjoying it, and have, in the meantime, finished two shop samples.

I'm trying to do some writing besides letters and tweets, but am finding myself very easily distracted.

Okay, randomness done, sorry for the incoherence.

Open Letter to Fear

Dear Paralyzing Fear of Failure:

I need to ask you to ease off a bit. I know that you may be trying to protect me (though it may be that you are simply out to get me.), but this grip you have me in is a real problem. I am so tired of being afraid to do anything that could possibly make me feel even a little foolish, or that would cause someone to say “no” to me.

People fail at things all of the time. It’s okay, and generally not the end of the world. Getting a few rejection letters as a result of actually sending queries out to editors will not kill me. And, honestly, the more queries I send out, the more likely someone is to actually say “yes” instead. Right now, by sending out none, I have no chance of a positive response, which doesn’t seem like a very good ration to me.

Of course, writing isn’t the only thing I worry about screwing up. You also don’t want me to call friends to hang out, because you want to shield me from the fact that they might have something going on at the moment I call. It’s really okay. I’m a big girl. There are ways around it, other arrangements can be made, other time can be spent. And if someone would consistently say “no,” then maybe I don’t need to be friends with them after all.

I just bought a sewing book and I want to make a skirt, or at least some napkins, but we haven’t dragged the fabric out of the closet because there’s the chance I won’t be able to sew a straight seam.

The closet hasn’t been gone through, because if I get rid of too many things I’ll have to replace some of them with different things and I won’t know how to dress myself.

The package needs to be sent to M, but the inscription hasn’t been written for fear of writing something stupid or making a wrong penstroke, oh, and for fear that my package won’t measure up to the one she will be sending me.

This is so ridiculous, especially since I could probably go on like this for an hour if I let myself, but that just seems as though it would belabor the point.

I’m tired of being afraid of doing any and everything. I’d much rather have a few spectacularly Technicolor goof-ups than to continue doing nothing because it’s safe. Because, really, doing nothing isn’t safe either. Doing nothing makes me anxious. It makes me sleep until noon and not leave the house. It makes me feel and act like a mouse, not cook, eat fattening food, or not eat at all because I don’t want to mess up the kitchen. It makes me wait to do dishes until no one else is home so that Mark and Chip won’t comment on how I might do them better (not that they’d even DO that sort of thing!).

So, what can I do to change this? Do I need to try to just charge ahead and ignore you, batter against you and hope that I am stronger than you all of the sudden? Do I need to tell someone I’m going to do something so that I have accountability to an actual, living, human being, rather than some weird piece of my psyche that’s way too good at intimidating me?

Please, let me know what I should do, because I’m really at the end of my rope and am tired of being tired and anxious and terrified of anything that stretches me in the least little bit beyond the very narrow confines I’ve shoved my life into over the past few years.

I know other people who have made enormous, colossal mistakes, ones that I can’t even begin to imagine being able to make, and they’re still out there living, interacting, putting themselves out there and making things happen. I want that. No, I need that.

Please let me live, give me a break. I can take some risks without endangering myself, I promise.

Love,

Faith.

Tired of February

I told a friend today that I was tired of February specifically and winter in general.

I'm mostly tired of being cold all of the time, of having to bundle up every time I want to go anywhere, and of the gas bill reflecting the struggle to stay warm. Yes, as a knitter, I can appreciate cooler weather for the wool wearing and working comfort, but enough is enough!

Spring fever is obviously setting in, because yesterday I was pretending to plan a trip I can in no way afford, and today I took four books out of the library and three were volumes of travel essays. None of the four was the book for the Pen Fetish Crafters (on Ravelry, of course) read-along; I got the call this afternoon that they had received it, so I'll probably pick it up tomorrow or Thursday.

I am at a crossroads once again, of course (my life must take place on some level in what I imagine a souq to be like, where intersections are close and frequent and there are new distractions at every turn). My fill-in time at my old job appears to be done (though I need to confirm that) and I'm still not sure what is happening in LYS land, other than the fact that I'm working Friday and Saturday, and most likely at least part of next Friday for First Friday.

I'd still like to find some way to be able to work for myself, but I have a hard time putting myself out there. If someone gives me a project or assignment, I'm great; I'll do it diligently and thoroughly and get it in when you need it. The problem comes with the going out and seeking new clients or assignments, or sending query letters to pitch ideas. I worry that I won't cut it, so I just don't do it in the first place. This is not a recipe for freelance success, or success of any other type, for that matter.

I'll give it this week and maybe next to find out if my current options will work out long-term, then I may have to call the temp agency and see if they have anything to put me into so that I can be sure to have food, clothing, and shelter for the foreseeable future.

On a brighter note, I'm nearly finished with the body of the February Lady Sweater, and am happy with the way it's knitting up in the Lamb's Pride.

There are other things I thought about adding, but I think this has been enough random for one evening.

The Coming Year

I didn't make any resolutions this year, because, inevitably, I don't keep them, then beat myself up about it. A couple of weeks ago I sort of determined large categories I wanted to examine or work on in 2009: meditation, writing, yoga, and my stuff (mostly physical, but also emotional). They are areas I want to strengthen or revisit because working with each of them has the potential for positive changes in my life. I'm not going to get into details at the moment, and it's not to say that these are the only things I'll do.

I'll certainly keep knitting (I just picked up the Jaywalker I started on the way home from the west coast in April, and have the February Lady sweater and a multidirectinal diagonal scarf on the needles and yarn for Coronet -- sorry, no links tonight) and I need to figure out my work life all over again (I've been playing catch-as-catch-can for three-and-a-half years and I need to figure out if I want to continue that or decide on something concrete. Work at the LYS was great, and I'll still do a few fill-in days here and there, but I knew from the start that it'd probably be short-term.), but mostly I need to figure out who I am and what I want my life to look like.

Let's forget for the moment that I will be thirty-nine years old this summer and that it's probably a little late to be examining this question. I spent parts of today in two different cafes on my own, which was my intention all along. In both of them, I saw and briefly chatted with people I knew, but I also saw people meeting for breakfast or lunch or coffee. This is not something I often do, and on my way home I realized that I wished it was. This is not some "poor me" complaint, because my lack of connection to others is purely of my own doing.

I can be social, but I'm not one for large groups (which is partly why I've sat out two parties in the last three days). I like getting together one-on-one or with a few people at a time, but I have trouble getting up the nerve to contact friends or acquaintances to get together for lunch or coffee or whatever. As a result of the above factors (I hope) I've fallen off of most social calendars, so I rarely get contacted by anyone else either. So here's the question: How do I change this without looking needy or desperate or completely awkward?

By the way, the jury's still out about whether I'm keeping this, but since I'm thinking about it, I may as well use it.

I hope the new year is treating you well so far. Peace.

Happy New Year

I rang in the new year with three friends, two of whom just moved into a new house last week. It was very low key, just right.

I'm not going to make resolutions, because I know how that turns out. There are some things I want to do this year, though.

I want to write more thank you notes and letters. I always say thank you to people, but I'd like to follow up with an actual note from time to time. And I need to write more letters to my youngest sister. I wrote her one yesterday, and I need to not wait for a month or two before I do it again. No matter what my conflicted feelings may be, she is my sister, and she should feel like I haven't abandoned her.

I need to get out more. I do a few things regularly that get me out, but I need to do it more, get out of my apartment, mix with people.

I want to knit from stash, pretty much exclusively, at least until Maryland. I tried to find some sock yarn I'm sure I haven't used yet, and got a glimpse of just how much yarn I have. I can't say I won't buy yarn at Maryland, but I'm pretty sure I won't before then. I haven't since September, so it shouldn't be too difficult.

I want to find a way to get into shape. I've lost weight since moving out on my own, which I knew would happen, but I'm not in very good shape. I need to decide whether to join a gym again, or take a class, or something.

Let's leave it at that. I'm hoping I can follow up on these things, I know they would all be good for me and my general well-being, but I'm not always the best at following through on things that are good for me.

Happy new year to all of you, and best wishes for 2007.